My life, If I am still what I used to be, would’ve wished to not have the life that I’ve had growing up. I wish I wasn’t a symbol of pain, hatred, resentment, a mistake. I have wished for many times to have never been born and to suffer and carry on my shoulders all the consequences of a mistake that my parents have made. Being a collateral, a sacrifice to console the hearts of those people who’ve been hurt, broken and hearts filled with hate- I had to receive everything to the point of getting tired and just wanting to just die and to stop all the sufferings, depression, anxieties, self pities, over flowing fear of many things and to just rest, to go home. Whenever I get happy people seem to hate it that they try to take it away. People connived to bad mouth me out of their own fear and hurt that has been instilled to their being coz’ nobody has thought them otherwise. I understand their pain and I hope I was able to lessen their pain knowing that I am suffering too, alone at most: before when I didn't understand everything yet, when I still cannot accept what God want for myself. There are many things that I have struggled to accept before. But through God and His love and grace I was saved and is still being saved to date. This faith I have was instilled to me by God and the people He’d sent, so strong that even if I have gone through worst(even now I am still wounded and still lick my wounds that easily aches anytime of the day) I still have the reason to smile, to love someone so strong that I am willing to withstand anything just to protect and care for them; to feel for those who’re hurt, in need, and are broken; to console a person who runs to me and confides and in need of a shoulder, a helping hand or an ear that will listen, or a voice to be heard of the things that needed to be heard. I have come to realise all the things I am capable of doing, and all of these are from the Father.
I may be impatient, I may curse and fail to shut my mouth to stop saying poisonous truths, I may act hypocritical and dogmatic sometimes- this we’re all wired perfectly by God that through these imperfections I learn my lessons the hard way. No matter how hard the process God never fails to teach me and to keep me as a close student willing to be taught and sharpened to be better every time. I don’t hate the people who’ve done me wrong. Sometimes I feel sorry for most of us coz’ we’re all victims and lost children of God. I just wish that they also find their way to Him and to stop wandering far from Him. Hate is not worth it. So is anger, revenge, jealousy, bitterness, selfishness, cruelty and the likes. I hope we do not commit the same mistakes of the people who’ve caused us a lot of pain and suffering. God may have planned everything but let us pray and listen to Him very well to live a purposeful life that glorifies and delights our Lord God.
Thank you and God bless.
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